Notes I May Never Get To

Before we shut down our old site and began building Guerillasphere, I wrote a weekly column called The Guerilla Report, which was a roundup of quick takes from the week. I don’t know if I’ll keep the column when we launch Guerillasphere, but I do know that my notes pile up quick these days. So I thought I’d seam together a few recent scribblings together so I could clean up my desk.

Corporate Cheerleading
Here’s a big surprise: I love my day job. Today anyway. We’ll see how long the mojo from my company’s annual kick-off dinner lasts. I was all bitter driving there because I usually hate corporate pom-pom waving. But our CEO knows every person’s name in our 300+ person company; he knows the names of most of their families; and he has personal anecdotes about everyone too. The salesman that closed five times as many deals as I did are all humble people who look you in the eye. And one of my closest friends Craig reminded me that this was the dinner I invited him to two years ago that sealed his decision to come on board.

So what can I say. I am all fired up, and it made me realize that positivity is just as contagious as negativity.

I’d Like To Thank Howard Stern
While driving to the cheerleading awards dinner, I was listening to a replay of Howard Stern’s show. He was raving about his new Sirius digs; how everything is clean and professional and everyone has a can-do, will-do attitude. How a killer work environment makes him and his people more productive. It was basically a preview of the dinner that I am now thankful I attended. And in hindsight I have realized something: our leaders and our media mostly talk about what’s going wrong, about how bad everything is. So when I hear about what’s going right and how good everything is, I’m going to run with it. I’ve got no reason not to.

Can’t Kill Suicidegirls
Yet people always find a reason not to. People like the woman in my office who complains about the type of candy we fill the bowl in the front with. And people like Kimberly Chun of the San Francisco Bay Guardian who took a stab last week at the Suicidegirls empire while reviewing their new book. Chun said "I wanna like the Suicide Girls" but implied that their "imagination-free tattoos trumpeting month-long squeezes" make it too hard; and later she added "it’s too bad most of them don’t have very compelling stories or philosophies."

I haven’t read anything more misguided since slate’s TV critic ripped Entourage last year. Criticisms like this are based not on a valid argument but on contrarianism – the idea that negativity is going to play with readers more than positivity. I think certain cultural forces are simply too big to fight. Suicidegirls is one. Entourage is another. And free candy in the office is yet another. I am not saying people should be squashed like they’re democrats on the House floor when they offer a dissenting point of view. I’m just saying that Chun should understand her subject matter before offering her view. And I’m saying that candy mongers in the office shouldn’t bitch about the candy jar they never fill. Dissent for dissent’s sake is not dissent; it is negativity. Which is annoying in the office, and unentertaining in pop culture.

Dennis Miller: Annoying, Unfunny
Almost as unentertaining as Dennis Miller in his new HBO special, I am sorry to say. I had hope for this. Miller was funny for years. I still think he was one of the best-ever Weekend Update correspondents on SNL. He was an early pioneer of the political fake news model that now sets the tone for the comedy world. But somewhere along the way, he got stuck in his own bog of overly-clever dissent. His HBO routine made me think of him as the dinner party know-it-all that everyone hates within minutes.

He spent much of his brand new show talking about old news like the 2004 election with riffs like: “Kerry is a slow-thinking chess player, and Bush is an asshole-jumping checkers player and that’s what we need right now because we live in a dangerous world.” With this commentary, Miller is lost somewhere in between being a comedian and a being a guest screamer on cable news.

The Truth
My take away from Miller’s new special and his last failed show on CNBC is that he’s has been on a contrarian quest for so long, he’s ended up right back in the middle where he’s got no real message. Which brings me back to the CEO of my company and to Howard Stern. These are guys who have been extremely competitive (but not negative) players over the long term. One as a business leader. One as a media personality. Both eminently truthful in their approaches. My CEO knows everyone’s name and everything about them, unlike most corporate leaders. Stern is totally open about who he is and what he stands for, and does not waver like most media people. This true-to-form honesty is what endears people to these guys.

As for me, I don’t know how long my positive work attitude will last. Maybe as long as Stern’s Sirius honeymoon-period. Maybe only until tonight when the State of The Union lies derail this fleeting faith I have the truth right now. Either way, I am glad to be getting these notes down. They help to formulate broader topics that will be rotating on The Sphere.

Hi Fi

I took this picture of a stereo I found near a burned out car recently. It appears as if the car was stolen, stripped and then torched. The burned out shell of a car sits on a vacant lot a few miles from my house.

I'm working on another photography project, and stumbled upon the car when taking other pictures. I took a few other photos of the car, but nothing jumped out at me like the stereo did, with its fried wires, and casing that looks like it's a thousand years old.

The torched shell of a stereo made me wonder how that part of the car didn't get removed along with everything else (seats, steering wheel, etc.). It looks like someone made the effort to pull the deck out from the dashboard, but didn't think it was worth taking home with them.

It was just a standard AM/FM receiver, lacking a CD player or even a tape player. Perhaps such a stereo isn't even worth swiping, since all you can access is what can be found on the radio dial. If the votes of thieves count in the pop cultural electoral college, than one can conclude that DJs like Rabid Ron, and non DJ formats like JACK FM ain't as cool as they think they are.

100 Dollar Burgers

Back when I lived in New York, the concept of the 100 dollar burger was just starting to gain traction. You could get a 100 dollar burger made of kobe beef and garnished with the sweat of supermodels at a handful of places around town. I never had one, but as a connoisseur of carnivorous pursuits, it was a dream of mine, kind of like how some people someday want to meet the Pope or write the great American Novel.

The 100 dollar burger never entered my digestive system while in New York, and even though the trend gradually moved westward, the dream was deferred, not unlike a Raisin in the Sun, but with far less suffering.

Then it happened. Not just one 100 dollar burger, but two of them. Like most dreams come true, this one fell into the 'be careful of what you wish for' file. You see the 100 dollar burgers weren't made of kobe beef, nor were they garnished by supermodels. Nope, they were $8.95 normal burgers purchased at Toby Keith's I Love This Bar and Grill at Harrah's in Las Vegas.

That's right. I was there, eating dinner at a redneck theme restaurant. Not by choice, mind you, but I was there. You see, it was someone's 30th birthday party and his wife to be for some reason picked that place as the host venue.

Enough of the back story, you are probably wondering how my two burgers ended up costing $200 (one for me, and one for the wife). Chickenboners are the reason why. Chickenboners attend group events, eat and drink to their fill, drop 40 bones in the check folder and skirt away. They leave people like me to cover the rest. That and a bullshit prix fix group dinner markup is how that happens.

So all I really got out of that night was this great shot of a friend of mine, and fellow chickenboner coverer, who put his face in a large sheet cake. I'm thinking about printing this picture and having it framed. I'll think of it as my $200 dollar piece of modern art.

A Picture You Won't See At Sundance

For as long as there has been skiing, there has been trendy ski towns. Europe set the tone decades ago with places like Kitzbuhel and Gstaad, but America quickly caught up with places like Aspen and Park City. Rich assholes living their 'Sport of Kings' lifestyles -- chopping up the bases of the moguls with their overpriced skis and general lack of skill.

However, I'd just like to make it clear why Telluride, Colorado can't ever be thrown into this abyss of self-proclaimed royalty. Yes Telluride is like these other places with its bigtime film festival and eight-figure home prices. But yesterday someone I grew up with there sent a picture that made me infinitely confident that the regular-guy soul is still alive and kicking ass in Telluride.

Tommmy (or Tom, as he is called in the adult vortex) is the guy who sent the picture. He's in 'group sales' for the Telluride Ski Resort, and makes a living catering to million-dollar egos. Below is the note he sent with the picture:

So ... I'm giving a mountain tour yesterday to about 15 people from Cape Cod. We are skiing See Forever. Beautiful day, awesome views. You can see the La Sals like they were across the street. I stop at the top of North Chute so they can get the great shot straight down into town. They are all eww'ing and ahh'ing. "Pretty impressive view of Telluride" I say. Someone in the group says: "And nice art work too." Nice art work? I think to myself, scanning the other side of the valley, the town, the valley floor ... awe crap!

They ask me if I did that just for them. I said I did but I couldn't remember how to spell Cape Cod, so this is what I came up with.

This would only happen to me.

On behalf of all of the far-flung Telluride natives around the country, let me just say: Way to go Tommy. You've captured one for the ages ... a locally-produced Indy Picture all the bigshots at Sundance are totally missing out on this week.

[Note: you can click picture to enlarge -- heh heh]

Fists of Fury

One key new element that we'll be adding to the guerillasphere is photography. Since I just got a new camera, I plan on adding quite a bit of that content to our daily mix. The use of images, taken by people whenever they see something worth capturing, will add more depth, style and flavor to the site. I hope that other people out there pointing and clicking contribute with abandon.

My latest entry is Fists of Fury, which is a photograph of a photograph. I took it in honor of Vance, who's using his fists of fury to create out screens for our relaunch. He toils alone, with only dreams of Kobe hanging a C-note on the Celtics to get him through the cold (45 degree) Venice nights.

Onward with the creation of own personal Death Star that we plan on sharing with anyone that wants to help build it, or even those that want to blow it up.

Power of the Fists of Fury to the people.

I Chug Beer, Therefore I Am

Last week, I read a story about how the American marco breweries are trying to change beer's image. They say they're losing market share to wine and liquor which are more refined. So they want to "educate consumers about the social value of beer" and show people how "there's more to beer then just knowing how to drink it."

I dismissed the story as a load of crap until I got my Sports Illustrated this week and saw a Miller ad that says: "Chug Not -- Are you ready to appreciate the golden rich flavor of Miller Genuine Draft?"

No, I am not ready to appreciate your one-billion-bottles-brewed-per-minute swill.

Just like all the other Bacardi or Captain Morgan drinkers in the bars are not ready to appreciate the sugar water they're imbibing. The people targeted by beer and liquor ads are looking to booze. They don't want education; they want the social value inherent in two hot chicks mud-wrestling (classic example below).



Note to the U.S. macro brews: there's nothing 'more to beer' than that. So keep your beer ads the way they are; don't try to get too Brilliant or I and everyone else might just start drinking Guinness. Or Abita or Chimay or any of the hundreds of other beers that are actually worthy of appreciation.

The giant beer makers who generate most of their sales through advertising aren't losing market share to liquor because liquor is more refined. They're not even losing market share to ostensibly more refined beers like Becks. They're losing market share because liquor ads and Becks ads have salacious women beckoning. They're losing market share because nobody gives a damn about the Coors Light Love Train blazing through Super Bowl history.

All the average drinker wants is their Twins back, and a 12-er of cheap beer to chug. You'd think the suits on Madison Avenue would know that by now.

Under the Watchful Eye of the Monster

As my colleague noted, we are currently working hard to get the new site up and running. It's not always easy to do something like this when what you're doing doesn't necessarily fit into conventional, easy digestible terms. However, you must always continue to work hard, even when no one's looking or no one seems to care. For me, I do have supervision, eyes on me all the time, and that comes from my cat, Simon, a.k.a The Monster.

I work hard when the Monster's watching me, and even when he's asleep. Cat quick, are his razor sharp teeth, and when he knows I'm slacking, out come the jaws. Back to work, crafting the 'sphere.

Guerillasphere Update

Wanted to let all the Guerillas In The Midst know that, even though it's been a few months, the new site is indeed coming. Building it is painstaking process on top of our day jobs, and it's certainly not as enjoyable to run through endless wireframe drafts as it is to write and shoot photos and create content. So development has been slow going at times, and when it is going, it takes time away from posting to this interim blog. But the one thing all five of us agree on is that we've got a concept we believe in, and we've done too much work to stop now. The big question is when we will launch. Right now it looks like late-March, early-April.

It will be worth the trouble though. It's a user-driven site that should be on par with the sites that people seem to love. I personally like sites like Suicidegirls, Slate, McSweeneys, YouTube, and while we've looked at them and countless others for inspiration, I feel confident we've come up with something original. So we hope you stay tuned ... as we try to pick up the pace on postings here on GS-Underground while putting The Sphere together behind the scenes.